Tag: bartolo colon

Mets Win With Big Sexy Rebound Start

On By themetssiah1 Comment


Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Much Needed Live Sex Show: After two straight crappy outings, Bartolo Colon badly needed a Big Sexy rebound start. Well he managed to pull that off tonight in a big road game against the Nationals. In the first inning, Jayson Werth singled with one out. Bartolo Colon then retired Bryce Harper. But with two outs, Daniel Murphy hit a little BS seeing eye single up the middle. Then Ryan Zimmerman singled to drive in Werth and give the Nats a 1-0 lead. Other than that first inning blip, Sexy sailed through 7 innings and handed the ball off to Jerry Blevins/Logan Verrett who closed out the victory.

Rallies and Dingers?: In the third inning, Curtis Granderson got hit by a pitch on the hand with one out. Pray for him. He stayed in and seemed fine. Then Juan Lagares lined a single, and El Capitan David Wright followed that with a three run blast. Wow. David totally “spoiling” a perfectly good rally opportunity with an enormous bomb. But don’t worry, Yoenis Cespedes, Neil Walker, and Asdrubal Cabrera followed the homer with three straight singles. Cabrera’s single scored Cespedes and earned him an RBI making it 4-1. Eric Campbell then added a sac fly to make it 5-1. What an inning. Rallies and dingers? Based on the Mets home run driven offense, it’s shocking to see the team score in other ways. And it’s amazing seeing David show some signs of life in the last two games. Thank goodness. We’re going to need him in this Duda-less and d’Arnaud-less lineup.

Also in the top of the 5th inning, Yoenis Cespedes and Neil Walker hit back to back solo blasts to make it 7-1. The Mets just can’t help but pile on the long ball. It was the seventh time the Mets went back to back this season.

Duda Update: So I wrote a post earlier today about Lucas Duda, his back injury, and the Mets options at first base. It focused on the internal options because the Mets were talking about all the internal options they planned to explore. I wrote it before I boarded the subway for my commute home. By the time I got home 40 minutes later, the Mets had concluded their “extensive” internal search, and they decided they need to find the solution outside the organization. Baaaahahahaha. We got nothing in house!! Depthless. The name Kelly Johnson is already being thrown around. I kid you not. Whoops!

Speaking of back issues, Bartolo told the Nats to throw the ball down the middle to him tonight because he had a bad back and wouldn’t be swinging at all. And that’s exactly what happened. He struck out all three times at the dish. Duda’s got a bad back, and he’s on the DL forever. 43 year old Bartolo has a bad back, and he’s tossing quality starts and taking it easy at the plate. Unbelievable.

Tomorrow: Well we are looking at another uncertain HarveyDay in Metsland tomorrow. Let’s see if Matt Harvey can get his act together. Ehhhhhhh.

Mets Walk The Park And Lose To Nats

On By themetssiahLeave a comment

 

Final Score: Nationals 7, Mets 1

Walk This Way: Well it’s time to drop Bartolo Colon in your fantasy league. Bartolo was awful last night along with the rest of the Mets pitching staff. As good as Noah Syndergaard was on Tuesday, was as bad as Tolo was in this game. The Mets and Bartolo did something they never do. They walked everybody. Eleven walks in total. Bartolo pitched 4.2 innings and surrendered three runs, but he walked five Nationals. He was in trouble every inning. He walked Jayson Werth and Bryce Harper back to back in the first inning, but escaped unscathed. With two outs in the third inning, he walked Werth and Harper back to back again. Then Daniel Murphy drove in Werth with an infield hit. The wheels completely came off for Bartolo in the 5th inning when Werth and Harper reached base to start the inning. AGAIN. Anthony Rendon drove them both in with a two out single. Tolo got pulled before the inning was even over. The Mets pen had a terrible night as well. Antonio Bastardo gave up a couple runs in the 7th inning and hit a guy. Logan Verrett and Jerry Blevins walked two apiece when they eventually entered the game. In the 9th inning, Jim Henderson gave up a couple runs. It was an awful game from our pitching staff, but let’s be real here. Our pitching staff has been incredible all season, and they never walk anyone. The entire staff had a collective bad day. In the end, the walks and runs didn’t matter because we couldn’t score at all. We only managed to create one real opportunity all game to score against Gio Gonzalez, and it came in the 7th inning. And the Nats pulled Gio before we even had a chance to beat him. Kevin Plawecki faced Felipe Rivero with men on, and he couldn’t get the big hit. We got shut the hell down.


No Support For Bartolo: Speaking of no support, the “big” story yesterday before the game was that Bartolo Colon has two illegitimate children with a random woman, and apparently he hasn’t been paying his child support. First of all, I’m almost certain I already knew about his natural born children and his second lover. I couldn’t find a story to evidence how I knew, but I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge. Second of all, we don’t know all the facts. Maybe he pays a certain amount of support and his extra lover is demanding more. But the bottom line is he should pay for his kids, hopefully he will, and this story has been told about a million athletes a billion times. I can’t believe people are questioning Tolo’s character now. He’s a known steroid cheat. We already know he has no integrity. Also as an FYI, I made that picture of the Bartolo-headed baby months ago. I just randomly made it because baby headed Bartolo is hilarious. Who knew it would become so topical in May.

Wright’s Spine: David Wright struck out three times and was 0 for 4. He looked terrible. His average is down to .221. The “David Wright is dead” truthers came out in force post game “But he’s getting on base!” they all shouted in unison. Pray for David and his pretzel rod of a spine.


Duda Back?: Duda apparently shrugged when he was asked if he would be available to pinch hit in last night’s game. At least the muscles in his upper back work. Man I hope he is in the lineup for tonight’s game because we have no alternative. I’d rather watch a pine cone take ABs then Eric Campbell.

Can We Get A Righty?: Speaking of my favorite scapegoat Soup, can we get a freaking right handed bench bat? We can’t hit lefthanded pitching at all. Gio is a stellar pitcher so I’m not trying to take anything away from him, but this has been one of our big weaknesses all season. Is anyone available? Michael Morse? Someone on our Vegas Triple-A team? Anyone? Help!!!!!

Yo Duh: Yoenis Cespedes drove in our only run with a laser solo shot. Duh!

Juanny Mays: Daniel Murphy had a hit with 2 RBIs. One of those RBIs came on a 7th inning sac fly, but it would have been a double if it wasn’t for Juan Lagares doing an over the shoulder catch Willie Mays impression.

Yea We Lost But: I don’t really like this Nationals team. I’m not talking about the personalities. I’m talking about the lineup and the bullpen. I can’t believe one of their prized offseason pen acquisitions was our boy Oliver Perez. And their lineup just doesn’t scare me. It’s going to suck when they call up Trea Turner to play shortstop and trade for another big bat.

Today: I’ll be at the game tonight, so I’ll make sure to fix Matt Harvey‘s mechanics before first pitch #MakeHarveyGreatAgain.

Tolo Home Run: The Sexiest Moment In Baseball History

On By themetssiahLeave a comment

Final Score: Mets 6, Padres 3

Bartolo Colon hit a two run home run. The stadium, the players, the announcers and every person on earth completely lost their minds when the bat touched the ball. As Gary Cohen said, “the impossible has happened”. In the end, those two runs represented the game winning runs. If the Mets needed a west coast B12 shot this had to be it. Obviously I’ve watched the replay a million times. I watched it with my girlfriend. I watched it with my friends. I’m going to gather around the TV today and watch it with my mother and my family. That’s what Bartolo and his sexiness is all about. It’s about bringing families together.

There’s Only One Thing Sexier: I honestly think this is going to be the regular season highlight in the sport. I can’t imagine it being topped. It’s the 2016 highlight reel leadoff hitter. The only thing sexier now? Colon getting a World Series W, leaping on a dog pile of Mets as they celebrate a championship, and hopefully not killing them.

Dinger Percentage Confirmed: I said a week or so ago that the Mets had to have one of the top three percentages of runs scored via the home run. Well it’s officially confirmed that we have the highest percentage of runs scored via the home run in the league. 55% of our runs come from home runs. And that was before last night’s game. We scored all six runs via the home run. Yoenis Cespedes hit a two run shot in the first inning. Big Sexy hit his two run blast in the second inning. And in the 9th inning, David Wright and Michael Conforto hit solo shots to make it 6-3.

Next Question: James Shields was so embarrassed about giving up the Bartolo home run that he didn’t want to answer questions about it postgame. That’s okay. He’ll have plenty of time to answer questions about it for the rest of his natural born life.

D’Arnaud Dunzo: Lost in the happiness of last night’s game was that Travis d’Arnaud decided to try tossing a baseball yesterday and immediately re-injured his shoulder. Umm we seriously need to consider him dunzo. Maybe give him another two weeks to see if the Krazy Glue they put in his rotator cuff will dry, but honestly we better start drawing up the contingency plan. Sandy needs to start getting a feel for the trade market ASAP.

Today: I can’t believe it’s hard to look forward to #HarveyDay now. It’s not even just that he stinks so far this year. I also stained my Matt Harvey T-shirt. The laundromat spilled a little bleach on it, and now it’s got pink spots. Harvey needs to win this game today. We need to split this series. A Bartolo home run and Harvey quality start could make this one of the best splits we’ve had in years. But if Harvey lays another egg, he’ll wipe the smile off my face real quick.

ForgeryGate: Wilpons At It Again

On By themetssiahLeave a comment

I figured it’s day three of spring training and the only Mets news would be about Big Sexy Bartolo Colon starring at the first teamwide workout while David Wright conducts interviews on the sideline from his massage chair. Nope. The Wilpons are back in the news again. Just another fraud related headline. But don’t worry. It has nothing to do with them at all. Some evil evil man has pled guilty to forgery and wire fraud as he allegedly forged the signature of Mets COO Jeff Wilpon as part of a scheme that cheated investors out of $3.5 million.

First off, how are the Wilpons still regularly convincing judges and juries and everyone that they’ve done absolutely nothing illegal when everything they touch turns to fraud? It’s mind blowing. At this point you would think the justice system’s mantra would be “innocent until proven Wilpon”. I mean when the Wilpons are even on the periphery of a financial related crime, wouldn’t the assumption be that every other party is innocent and the Wilpons have to be the mastermind?

Furthermore, authorities said the “guilty” man incorrectly spelled Jeff Wilpon’s first name on the forged documents which to me is an absolute dead giveaway that Jeff was actively involved in the scheme. As we all know, Jeff has never signed a document in his entire life. In fact, I am guessing this “guilty man” is just the person Jeff pays to rubber stamp all his legal documents. Obviously this time the man was out sick or something, and as a result Jeff had to personally sign these documents. He was probably just scribbling his nickname “Jeff” all over each page as his lackeys looked on and said, “Good job Jeff!! We are so proud of you.” Well either way as usual Jeff gets off scott free. Some minion in the Wilpon machine takes the fall for the big dogs yet again.

Speaking of Wilpons, paleontologists unearthed a full Fred Wilpon at Mets camp yesterday, one of the oldest owners to be discovered at Spring Training to date.

Jenrry Mejia Tests Positive for PEDs Again; Banished to The Wall by MLB

On By themetssiah1 Comment


Well Jenrry Mejia has officially become the first mook in baseball history to get banned for life for PEDs after testing positive for a third time. It couldn’t be more fitting that in the city where A-Rod plays, the face of steroid use, some other insignificant Mets player winds up receiving the first ever lifetime ban.

Honestly, it’s pretty obvious that Jenrry Mejia has limited to no brain functionality. And I’m not talking about a Forrest Gump level IQ. At least Forrest understood concepts like love and cheating. Mejia must have the mental capacity of Brendan Dassey in the “Making a Murderer” documentary. Just no awareness whatsoever of what’s going on and what people are asking him to do.

MLB Official: Now Jenrry tell us about the steroids. Did you buy the steroids?

Mejia: …like at a store?...

MLB Official: No Jenrry. Now you need to tell us the truth. You bought the steroids didn’t you? It’s ok if you bought them.

Mejia:…yes.

MLB Official: Now, you understand how a steroid test works right?

Mejia:…a test?…like with…pencils?

MLB Official: No Jenrry. Not a school test. A drug test. If you just pee in the cup you can go home ok?

Jenrry: Ok.

MLB Official: No Jenrry in the cup. Wait wait wait.

He’s clearly completely clueless about what PEDs do and how a drug test works. Right? I mean how is it possible that somebody could test positive three freaking times?  Tons of players are still using. For Christ’s sake Bartolo Colon is 43 and working out like he’s in his mid-20s. Couldn’t Mejia at least inquire about his secret methods? Nope. He’s just been getting injections from some friend in the Dominican Republic who keeps telling him it’s “his vitamins”. And when Mejia would tell teammates “my vitamins hurt” they didn’t really ask too many questions considering “conversations” weren’t exactly Jenrry’s strong point.

Well now Mejia will don a Night’s Watch cloak per Rob Manfred and join Lord Commander Pete Rose at The Wall for life. So much for our young setup man and our planned mid-season bullpen boost. Our hard pass on the return of Tyler “Rat-Face” Clippard is suddenly a bit more questionable. At least Hansel Robles could step up in the pen. I read he’s been “working out” with Bartolo in the Dominican Republic. And since Robles was the only Mets player to actively recruit Cespedes all offseason, nobody can question his mental capacity.