20 Sexy Mets Stories You Won’t Believe


Thanks for clicking the sexiest Mets’ headline of the offseason. Unfortunately there are no actual sexy stories. It was just clickbait. I told all of you at the start of the offseason that the Mets Hot Stove would be ice cold and that we’d be lucky if the team simply doubled down with the same roster in 2017.

Well I was right. Sandy Alderson isn’t even doing his classic posturing move anymore where he plays coy with the media in an effort to gain leverage with certain prospective free agents or trade partners. Nope. The Mets signed Yoenis Cespedes and literally called it a day. We haven’t even seen a few random dumpster diving one-year deals yet.

And that’s not an easy thing to deal with as a blogger. How many times can I write a ‘the cheap Wilpons suck’ article or some post essentially saying that if Noah Syndergaard and the rest of the Mets pitching staff is healthy they should be a great team?

So I’m at a creative impasse and actively trying to come up with new ways to keep the clicks coming. Obviously I could take a buyout, join the Wilpon propaganda machine, and write posts praising them all day long.

I could also attempt to convert The Metssiah into a full blown Mets tabloid. My friend once claimed he saw Mo Vaughn at a New York City strip club. Another friend’s friend may or may not have met Matt Harvey at a bar and went home with him. The problem is you need a vast network of spies to run a tabloid like that. The New York Post’s Page Six has that market cornered.

I think the best move right now is to embrace the fake news movement. Fake news is so hot right now. The President elect of the United States spends half his time re-tweeting fake stories and conspiracy theories. So maybe that’s my meal ticket.

But if I’m going to ride the fake news wave I really need to go all in the on clickbait headlines. So here are some possible headlines to get the new rebranded Fake News Metssiah off the ground.

 

You won’t believe which Mets are addicted to steroids

garycjuiced

 

10 Shocking Medical Secrets The Mets Don’t Want You To Know

rayramirezmedical

 

Scientists Say Giant Asteroid Could Strike Wilpon Home

wilponasteroid-2

 

Matt Harvey’s Phone Was Hacked and He’s Been A Bad Boy…

harvey

 

5 Secret Entrances To Citi Field Revealed

citi-field-secret-entrance

 

25 Stunning Images Of Things You Had No Idea Existed

stunning-images

 

See These Unbelievable Mets Transformations: From Childhood Chump To Gorgeous Hunk

thor-kid

 

10 Mets You Won’t Believe Still Play Baseball
eric-soup-still-plays-baseball

 

Mets’ Equipment Manager Takes Secret Clubhouse Photos. See The Shocking Results.

bobbvshocking

 

15 Mets You Would Never Guess Are Actually Black

wrightblack

 

Leaked Audio: Find Out What Terry Collins Really Thinks About Michael Conforto

terry-leaked-audio

 

These MLB Owners Look Exactly Like Prehistoric Animals. The Images Will Blow Your Mind.

owners-dinosaur

 

You Will Always Be Remembered: Mascots That Died In 2016

mascot-death

 

Tragic Transformation: These Former Mets Have Aged Poorly.

old-bay

 

They Went Crazy! Find Out Which Former Mets’ Players Lost Their Minds After Retirement.

kaz-matsui-hot-dog

 

You Won’t Believe What Bobby Bonilla Spends $1.19 Million Dollars On Every Single Year

bobbbo

 

Look Sexy Over 40: Best Exercises You’re Not Doing.

bartoloexercise

 

The Fix Was In! Proof George Steinbrenner Paid The Mets To Lose.

steinbrenner-proof

 

Bobby V Doesn’t Speak Japanese? 13 Mets’ Hoaxes Revealed!

mets-hoax

 

Chiropractor Says David Wright Back Injury Part Of Massive Wilpon Insurance Scam!

wright-insurance

If you have any great Mets clickbait headlines or fake news ideas please send them to me. Because with the Mets Cold Stove likely to carry on into 2017, there’s really not much else to write about.

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Cold Stove Update: Mets Ask Santa For Cash

If you’re looking for an update on the Mets’ offseason since they paid Yoenis Cespedes, don’t get too excited. In fact, don’t get excited at all. Nothing has happened. Sandy Alderson basically went to the Winter Meetings last week, ate the hotel continental breakfast for a few days, and then flew right back to New York. Sandy said the Mets can’t make any moves until they find a team willing to take the 13 million dollar Jay Bruce salary off our hands. Clearly the days of worrying about our mid-market payroll are behind us.

Cold Stove Quick Hits:

Christmas Party: The Mets held their annual Christmas Party this week and decided to anoint Noah Syndergaard as the next cursed Santa Claus. Sandy Alderson was seen at the event trying to dump Jay Bruce in a Toys for Tots bin.

Pray and Wish: At the Mets Christmas Party, Thor said all he wants for Christmas is a World Series. It’s a good thing that he’s motivated because Sandy and Co. are clearly showing that their strategy for 2017 is to pray that all of our young pitchers will be healthy. In other words, rather than actually improving the team this offseason, the Mets are asking Jesus and Santa Claus for help.

MLB Anti-Hazing Policy: This week, MLB unveiled a new policy banning “offensive” hazing practices specifically those that involve dressing teammates as women. No word from Donald Trump yet on the decision but expect to see tweets about “soft Manfred” and “the failing MLB” any day now.

David Wright’s Road To Retirement: David Wright is reportedly simulating baseball activities but has not swung a bat yet. He’s been “getting in a crouch” and “moving laterally”. Basically he gingerly slides from one end of the couch to the other and occasionally bends over to pick up a chip if he drops one on the floor. I’d like to think that if David Wright retired tomorrow the Mets would spend his salary on roster upgrades. But who am I kidding. The Wilpons are already banking on spending the Wright insurance money on Yo’s salary.

World Baseball Classic: Brandon Nimmo and Michael Conforto are reportedly on the preliminary roster for Team Italy, Asdrubal Cabrera is planning to play for Venezuela and Jeurys Familia wants to pitch for the Dominican Republic. You’ve got to love the idea of Ol’ Bum Knee Cabrera playing extremely competitive games in March when he limped through a third of the regular season last year. Conforto better hope Jay Bruce doesn’t have an Italian Great Grandfather otherwise he might wind up benched for the World Baseball Classic too.

Juanny Bum Shoulder: Juan Lagares strained his shoulder diving for a ball in the Dominican Winter League. Apparently he’s fine. Juanny better have a big 2017. He hasn’t done a damn thing since his breakout year in 2014 other than hurt his elbow and his thumb and now his shoulder. If he has another injury filled season, that extension we gave him will wind up looking horrible.

Nationals Striking Out Non-Stop: Other than the Mets signing Yo, the best news of the offseason has been that the Nationals have failed in almost every single one of their attempts to land players. They failed to land Cespedes, Andrew McCutchen, Chris Sale, Kenley Jansen, and Mark Melancon. The list goes on and on.

Mr. Tingles: Matt Harvey said his arm is no longer tingling and he’s feeling strong as he recovers from his surgery. If Matt Harvey wins comeback player of the year and Noah Syndergaard continues to be a pitching machine then the 2017 Mets really will be in great shape. Pray.

Charges Dropped: The domestic violence charges against Jeurys Familia were officially dropped because as I’ve said many times on this site, the charges always get dropped or settled out of court. If you want to know what will happen next, just check out my post that I wrote the day this story broke. It’s the same exact cycle every single time. Familia will get a slap on the wrist suspension for allegedly assaulting his wife. Meanwhile Jenrry Mejia is locked up in a cell in the dungeons at MLB headquarters for taking a little testosterone.

Some Mets Fans: “Launch Grandy/Bruce Into The Sun”

bruce-grandy-sun

The Mets signed Yoenis Cespedes a week ago, and it was glorious. It briefly felt like his signing would be the start of a special offseason where the team would look to bolster the entire roster before going to war in 2017 with the Cubs, Cardinals, Nationals, Dodgers, and Giants.

Fast forward a week later and the mainstream media is reporting that the Mets feel they’ve completed their heavy lifting this offseason. The plan going forward seems to be 1) sign any reliever willing to accept a one year deal (i.e. the Mets annual reliever dumpster dive-athon) and 2) Trade Jay Bruce or Curtis Granderson for a second “cost controlled” reliever.

That’s the plan?!? The team retained the two best hitters from their 87 win club and now we’re done? Oy vey. And what makes it worse is some fans are seemingly enthusiastic about the plan to trade Jay Bruce or Curtis Granderson (less so for Grandy). Fans are ready to launch Bruce/Grandy and their combined 63 home runs from 2016 right into the sun. Fans are passionately debating which middle reliever they want in return. I’ve never seen a fan base so enthusiastic about a salary dump in all my life.

Curtis Granderson has done nothing but live up to his 4 year 60 million dollar contract during his time in Flushing. He’s played 150+ games and launched 20+ homers for three straight seasons. He’s served as an unwavering veteran presence on a roster that for the most part has lacked The Captain David Wright during that stretch. He was a major contributor during the run to the 2015 World Series and down the stretch last season.

That being said, if the Mets want to trade Curtis Granderson for a late inning cost controlled bullpen arm and then sign Dexter Fowler to play center field, I can get comfortable with that. But if the Mets are dumping Grandy to save 15 million and to ultimately platoon Michael Conforto/Juan Lagares in CF then to hell with that plan.

If the Mets want to dish Jay Bruce for a talented reliever, re-sign Jerry Blevins, and add a legitimate utility player for the bench, that works for me. It was reported today that the Mets want Brad Brach from the Orioles for Bruce. He’d be a great addition to the bullpen. But apparently the Orioles want the Mets to cover some of Bruce’s salary to consider that type of return.

If the Mets find a team to take on all of Bruce’s salary, I’d love to see the team reallocate that 13 million dollars on a free agent that fits better on this roster. But is that the plan? What about Luis Valbuena who can play all over the infield? Nope. Today Sandy said Wright is our third baseman (he failed to add “for 30 games at most”). What about Welington Castillo, Matt Wieters or some other upgrade at catcher? Nope. Apparently Travis d’Arnaud is our guy.

Also keep in mind, there’s absolutely nothing stopping the Mets from retaining their outfielders and bolstering their bullpen via free agency other than the organizations reluctance to give multi-year deals to relievers. The free agent reliever market is very deep this offseason. It’s not a great practice to sign relievers long-term. But will the franchise be ruined if Brad Ziegler or Jerry Blevins don’t work out on three year deals? Give me a break.

So should we prepare for the same roster cycle? The cycle where we assemble a roster, injuries cripple that roster, and then we make trades during the season to fill the holes but we don’t retain any of those players after the season. Hell, I could easily see the Mets needing offense come July 2017, and Jay Bruce being an option on the trading block. The old Kelly Johnson roster boomerang trick. Been there done that. Speaking of Kelly, where’s he at? I hear he wants to return but we have no interest. Back to Atlanta for Kelly. I hope he didn’t sell his house.

If the Mets dump Curtis Granderson (arguably their most reliable position player over the last three years) and Bartolo Colon (arguably their most reliable arm over the last three years) in the same offseason and replace them with two bleh relievers on one year deals, I’m going to be livid.

Let me add the standard stupid disclaimer language that Mets bloggers are supposed to add now that we signed Cespedes:

** Please note, I trust our renowned General Manager Sandy Alderson to make the best moves he can possibly make with the resources he is provided. Sandy is a genius. We’ve made the playoffs two years in a row. Thank you Sandy. We signed Cespedes. Thank you Sandy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be curling into a ball on the floor and muttering “In Sandy We Trust” over and over for the rest of the week until the Winter Meetings are over.