Final Score: Rockies 6, Mets 1

M. Night Shyamalan presents “Unwatchable”, the story of the 2016 Mets. There is no twist ending. We just suck the entire time. Actually the movie should really take place over two years. Then the twist would be that after a 2015 World Series appearance led by the best young pitching the league has seen in years, the Mets found a way to squander their chance at a prolonged run. Twist baby!!! But that’s not really a twist for the Mets. That’s standard. The Mets average with runners in scoring position is .202. The Padres in 1969 hit .201 with runners in scoring position, and that is the worst average of all time. We’re on pace folks!

Here’s The Crap Part: Here’s the game recap. Honestly I’d skip over it. James Loney hit a solo homer and that was all she wrote for the Mets offense. The Mets had chances in this game I suppose. Curtis Granderson popped up with bases loaded and two outs in the second inning. The Rockies had walked them loaded. So it’s not even like we were rallying or something. The Mets also had two straight singles to start the 8th inning. Nothing to show for it. Nada.

Steven Matz didn’t really pitch great. But despite giving up 10 hits he battled through 6 innings and only gave up 2 runs. Carlos Gonzalez hit an RBI double off of him and Nick Hundley added an RBI single in the sixth inning. For most teams a 2-1 game in the 6th inning is very winnable. Not the Mets. The Rockies added four runs off the Mets pen.

Terry’s Ready To Die: Terry seemed totally composed and relaxed after the game. He told the players to calm down, listen to some music and to stop putting so much pressure on themselves. Man oh man Terry is ready to die (i.e. ready to be fired). He’s been fired before. He’s had the threat of the axe hanging over his head as Mets manager. He knows what it’s like. For him to come out after that game and have a happy press conference, he’s either come to terms with his potential fate or he’s just loading up on Xanax.

Things To Do For The Summer: This team sucks. Make alternate plans for the summer people. Check out the beach. Watch “Stranger Things” on Netflix or “The Night Of” on HBO. Try new food. Go for long walks. Join the gym. Do anything but watch these Mets. If you watch the Mets you’re just going to wind up drinking all summer. Let me do the Mets watching for you. I’ll bear the load. The burden is mine. I will be your Metssiah and bring my Metsciples the painful recaps. It is my burden.

Should Have Kept The Band Together: I really don’t like this team at all. Every game I watch just makes me wish we kept the World Series band together. We should have kept Daniel Murphy, Juan Uribe, and Tyler Clippard. Murph is going win the MVP, and Neil Walker will be lucky to win a Citi Field seat upgrade. Antonio Bastardo is absolutely horrendous. He gave up a three-run homer in the 9th to Carlos Gonzalez which made it 6-1 and blew the game open. It’s not like we were ever going to score anyway, but he can’t even mop up. He has METS disease so bad.

Go To Hell Wilpons: Everyone gave the Wilpons a damn lap dance in the offseason for retaining Yoenis Cespedes. Not me. Screw the Wilpons. This opt-out contract is BS, and he’s going to leave us for good. The trade market prices at the deadline are currently insane. That means every team is going to turn to free agency. And…that means Cespedes is going to get paid a zillion dollars. The Wilpons should have retained the World Series team and let Sandy upgrade that roster. We should have done just what the Cubs did. They kept their team of winners and made it even better. Instead we changed the whole thing up. Also, I’ve actually heard fans calling for the Mets to trade Cespedes. What planet am I on? Do people not realize he’s the best hitter we’ve had in the organization since Carlos Beltran and Mike Piazza. It’s Mike Piazza weekend for Christ’s sake. The Mets didn’t start dangling Mike at the trade deadline in 2001 or 2002 when they failed to make the playoffs. Cespedes is the franchise bat we’ve craved for some time. We need more franchise bats not fewer!

Today: Bartolo Colon and Noah Syndergaard pitch the next two games. Should be auto-wins agains the Rockies. Not bloody likely.