Goodbye Juanny One Thumb

I pointed out in my postgame recap that Juan Lagares has been horrendous since his return from the DL on account of his one functioning thumb. Well three hours later he’s on the DL and likely to get season ending surgery on his torn thumb ligament. Brandon Nimmo is coming up. Now we wave bye bye to Ol’ Juanny One Thumb!!!

Yoenis Cespedes says he can’t play center field anymore. Curtis Granderson isn’t a center fielder. The Mets are forcing Michael Conforto to “learn” the position on the fly. It seems our elite coaching staff has discovered a way to somehow teach Conforto athleticism. Assuming you’re as skeptical of that plan as I am, you’ve probably done the latest center field math. Without Juan we are left with…zero actual center fielders!!! Oh wait I forgot about De Aza. He’s our new hottest hitter. Phew. That’s promising. This team is really on the upswing.

RIP David Wright. RIP Matt Harvey. RIP Juan Lagares. RIP Jose Reyes? Soon enough. RIP season? Not yet. But it’s getting closer. This team is so screwed. The season’s not really over until we’re saying RIP Yoenis Cespedes. There may not be much time left for Ol’ Quadless Yo. The guy’s limping around like Kirk Gibson in 1988.

Panic City is on fire. I just finished looting a convenience store in the heart of town on the corner of Tommy John Scare Boulevard and Jose Reyes Hamstring Memorial Avenue. I’m heading down to Panic City Hall to torch the place. The “fire everyone” protestors are flooding the streets. The clock is ticking on the 2016 season. Tick…tick…tick…

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