God Hates The Mets

“Kill the Mets. I hate them.” -God

Final Score: Nationals 3, Mets 1

On the same day that Matt Harvey announced he will get season ending surgery to address his thoracic outlet syndrome, Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes left the game due to injuries. God hates us. The Lord hath smited the Mets yet again. At least the Wilpons won’t have to pay for Thor’s and Yo’s airfare to the All-Star Game.

Thor Got Burnt: In the second inning, Clint Robinson hit a two run homer that made it 2-0 Nats. In the top of the third inning, Ben Revere led off by hitting a ball between Yoenis Cespedes and Asdrubal Cabrera. Yo made a sliding catch and nearly took out Asdrubal who was standing in his way. Then with one man on and one out, Daniel Murphy crushed an opposite field RBI double making it 3-0 Nats. On the play, Yoenis Cespedes ran a little awkwardly while pursuing the ball in the outfield.

Cespedes Dead Quad: In the top of the fourth inning, Cespedes was removed from the game with a strained quad. Murph killed him. Murph and God. Every time he steps to the plate against the Mets, Murph is slicing us open and watching us bleed out on the field. And now, his magic hits are injuring our stars. After the game, Cespedes said he dealt with a similar injury last year with Detroit. He said he missed 4-5 days, and then he was back. Then he said something like I hope I can avoid the 15-Day DL “God willing”. I wouldn’t look to the man upstairs for help Yo. He doesn’t like us very much.

Syndergaard Dead Arm: In the top of the 5th inning, Thor’s velocity all of a sudden dropped down to 91. Terry didn’t like what he was seeing and he pulled him from the game. He told Terry after the game he just lost it. He said his arm went dead. Harvey’s arm went dead. Thor’s arm went dead. That’s two thus far Shooter. Unbelievable. He says he’s fine. Hopefully it’s just temporary dead arm. But forget about the All-Star Game. We have no shot this season without him. He’s got Ridged Ruffle bone chips in his elbow. His arm is inexplicably shutting down like an old Super Nintendo with a shoddy motherboard. Please give him this week off to reset.

Uno Dinger: Asdrubal Cabrera hit a solo homer in the bottom of the fifth inning. At least he’s showing power lately.

Pen Pickup: The pen really picked up Noah. Seth Lugo, Jerry Blevins, and Erik Goeddel combined to toss 4.1 scoreless innings of relief.

Strasburgo: Stephen Strasburg is so good. He’s healthy, and he knows how to pitch now. That’s a dangerous combination. He went 7 innings, gave up 2 hits, 1 run and struck out 9. The Mets never had a shot against him.

The Only Chance: In the 8th inning against Shawn Kelley, Wilmer Flores hit a ground rule double and Jose Reyes singled. Then Oliver Perez came in and got Curtis Granderson to line out softly to the shortstop and Juan Lagares to hit into a double play. Juan was hitting in Cespedes’ spot in the lineup. So yeah Ollie danced on Yo’s grave. He rubbed salt in our wounds for sure. Choke artist Jonathan Papelbon closed the game out at 3-1.

Bartolo The Human Twinkie: Bartolo Colon was named to the All-Star Game. He’s such an enormous 43 year old dynamo. He could survive a Nuclear Holocaust. He’ll be heading to Petco Park where he cranked that dinger earlier this season. By the time this weekend is over he may be the only one representing the Mets. Pray for Familia.

Today: Logan Verrett vs. Max Scherzer. The odds are against us. And we already know God ain’t on our side. Please stop killing all of our players big man.