Mets Sign Divine Domestic Talent Tim Tebow

I knew the Mets signing Tim Tebow was a lock the second he announced his plan to hold a showcase. The Wilpons will never ever ever ever ever pass on a money making opportunity that involves almost no financial commitment whatsoever. Signing Tebow is the same as signing Jose Reyes except that Tebow is a good person and Jesus’ best friend on earth and Jose Reyes is a horrible sinner. But it’s the same thing in that they cost nothing and will sell tons of jerseys/tickets. It’s already being reported that this came directly from Jeff Wilpon. People are actually saying that it can’t entirely be a publicity stunt because Sandy Alderson wouldn’t sign off on it unless Tebow had real talent. L-O-Freaking-L. Sandy has no say whatsoever when Jeff wants something. How does the media not get that yet? That’s why Mets fans regularly live in fear. We know that at any moment Jeff could make a wild card decision that destroys the franchise forever. All that being said, there’s no downside to signing Tebow. He’s just some guy. Who cares?

You Can’t Teach Power: The thing that excites me the most about Tebow is he’s an enormously jacked football freak. They say you can’t teach power. What they really mean is it’s not easy to find incredibly strong freak people who have ingested the perfect combination of supplements over the years to achieve peak physical mass. And Tebow has achieved that level of physical fitness. So I’m totally fine with the Mets bringing him in and seeing if he’s able to launch some dingers in the minors. And the guy is a talented multi-sport athlete. If he focused on baseball as a senior in high school he supposedly would have been drafted.

Domestic Talent Only: I think it’s absolutely hysterical that the Mets have passed on every single top international free agent talent from Cuba, Korea, Japan etc. But the second a popular American Christian former football player expresses an interest in playing baseball for the first time since high school and takes one BP session the Mets are inviting him to the Arizona Fall League. The Wilpons seemingly have a Trump-esque policy when it comes to international free agency. They refuse to pay for anything and want to put American talent first.

Jesus Is Good: There’s only upside with Tebow. As we all know he’s the Lord’s Chosen. He’s God’s instrument. Sure his presence failed to help the Jets in any way. But hopefully he has a few blessings left up his sleeve to raise up our cursed franchise and downtrodden fan base. Hopefully his presence alone can cure the organization of METS disease and save future generations of Mets players. We pray.

Use The Tebow Jersey ATM For Cespedes: Apparently Tebow is represented by the same agency as Jacob deGrom, Noah Syndergaard and of course…Yoenis Cespedes. People are speculating this signing is some kind of favor related to our dealings with Yo. I highly doubt that. I will say this though. Tebow will sell an enormous number of jerseys and make the Wilpons lots of cash money. Hell I want to buy a Tebow Brooklyn Cyclones jersey just so I can throw it in the trash. We already know Yoenis Cespedes is the savior of the Mets franchise. He came here last year and raised the team up from the ashes. He brought us to the World Series. Yo is the savior. But his opt-out is looming and there’s obviously a strong possibility he leaves the Mets for a big payday. If the Tebow Jersey ATM helps the Wilpons make enough money to retain Cespedes then in a way Tebow could save our savior. Which would kind of make him the new savior. If that’s the case then the Metssiah is fully on board. All hail Tebow!

Thor, Yo, and Wheeler Healthy; The Gods Are Merciful


As my prayer vigil raged on late into the night, I feared the worst for our boys Noah Syndergaard, Yoenis Cespedes, and Zack Wheeler. The Mets were indicating they wouldn’t have an update on any of the guys until today. Ray Ramirez couldn’t update the fans because he was too busy running from room to room at the Hospital For Special Surgery asking each of the players to provide another stool sample for his “collection”. Then after 10pm, the first bombshell finally dropped. Thor posted the above photo on Instagram. “Happy elbows” was all I needed to hear. Then, just before 11pm the Mets dropped the news on SNY. All three guys are fine. Praise Jesus.

Thor’s MRI showed no elbow damage, and he was cleared. Yoenis Cespedes was diagnosed with a mild sprain of his left wrist. He got a little cortisone and will take a couple days off. Zack Wheeler just had some nerve irritation in his elbow. He got a cortisone injection too, but his elbow structure was fine. I’m sure the Mets will handle all three of these guys with care, but for another day we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Our two best players are alive. The season isn’t over.

P.S. The Nationals are finally hitting a rough patch. They’ve dropped five straight games and three straight in LA to the Dodgers. Michael Taylor went 0 for 5 (5 Ks) last night and misplayed a ball that led to the game winning run. He turned a single into a three base error and a loss for the Nats. Can the Mets please take care of the Braves in this four game set? Please? Let’s try and limit the setbacks. I think we’ve reached our quota for the week.

Cespedes Re-signs: The Savior Has Returned

Cespedes

Rejoice Mets fans! Our savior has returned.

It’s not easy to completely change the outlook for and performance of a baseball team. Yet that’s exactly what Yoenis Cespedes did almost overnight when he arrived on July 31st 2015. His offensive talent represented something Mets fans hadn’t seen since Carlos Beltran and before that Mike Piazza. His post trade offensive numbers speak for themselves. 17 home runs. .942 OPS. 57 games. He catapulted a near .500 team to 90 wins and took the offense from worst to first. But it wasn’t his talent, the eventual NL East crown, or the run to the World Series that had the greatest impact on the franchise. It was what his acquisition meant. He gave fans a glimmer of hope. He represented the possibility that the culture of hopelessness fostered by the post-Madoff Wilpons was finally over. This was the first piece of evidence that fans could point to in order to show that Fred and Jeff were finally going to fulfill their promise to open their wallets once the pitching talent arrived at Citi-Field.

And today after nearly three months of Mets fans breaking the internet with #signCespedes #keepYo our prayers were answered. Today represents the biggest victory to date over the tyrannical reign of the Wilpons. Fred and Jeff tried everything in their power to prevent this day. They made their case: unwavering stances against long term deals, BS excuses about Cespedes’ dugout chain smoking habits, allusions that he was a diva. But in the end all it took was 3 months of relentless pressure from the fan-base and Cespedes’ unprecedented decision to pass on a $100 million dollar deal. He passed on a long term deal. Think about that. The only reason he is here is because he became the first player since Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire to pass on the guaranteed deal and bet on himself. And even Cuba only passed because he was getting low-balled.

I’ve seen players take “pillow contracts” when they are coming off an injury or after a subpar season when there’s a limited market for their services. I have even seen hometown discounts like the one Alex Gordon just took where the player passes on a few million dollars or takes one less year to make a deal happen. But nobody has ever passed on a deal for the money they wanted and for the years they wanted, from a team in the same part of the country as the one they were on, or with a championship caliber roster. Why? For seemingly no reason other than “Me gusta Nueva York y Los Mets.” But Cespedes did. Nearly four months after arriving in New York and saving our season he has returned to do it yet again. He has returned so Mets fans can finally flip off the Wilpons with a smug grin on their faces and scream “YES WE CAN.” He has returned to serve as the face of the franchise and take the pressure of our elite pitchers so they can finally just dominate in peace. So soak in this moment folks. Channel your inner Cespedes and light up a toasty rich Marlboro Red cigarette. Breathe it in deep– this may finally be our chance to reach the Promised Land for the first time in 30 years.

There’s ice on CitiField tonight. And with the return of La Potencia and the Wilpons finally cutting a check it appears hell has finally frozen over.