The One Where The Yankees Win It All

People have been asking me since late September if I’m excited for the MLB playoffs. I’ve basically been telling everyone the same thing. I ain’t excited for the playoffs because I’ve seen this damn movie before. This is a goddamn re-run. This is the one where the Yankees win it all. I’ve sensed the impending doom for a while now. It’s like when Yoda senses a disturbance in the Force. Last night’s upset victory for the Yanks confirmed that my pessimistic baseball Jedi sense is on point. Dark times are coming for Mets fans.

I have no doubt that God was watching last night’s game on his soft ass sofa with his stupid Derek Jeter jersey on meddling in every way possible. We all know the man upstairs is a die hard Yankees fan. He’s proven that 27 times. Things like that don’t happen by chance. I was hoping he might miss the game because perhaps he’s preoccupied with the impending threat of nuclear war or one of the other horrible things going on in the world right now. Nope. He clearly tuned in.

I honestly should have bet all my money on a Yankees 2017 World Series win when the odds were better. I saw this coming long before the bookies in Vegas had a clue. The warning signs for this run were there all season. We blinked and the Yankees went from “rebuilding” to immediate World Series contenders. MLB decided to usher in the new juiced ball home run era, and the Yankees conveniently called up Babe Ruth reincarnate (Aaron Judge) and one of the best hitting catchers the league has seen in years (Gary Sanchez).

I wrote the following on July 3rd:

If Daniel Murphy winds up hoisting a World Series Championship trophy in a Nationals uniform or Aaron Judge propels the Yankees to a championship in the first year of their stupid rebuild I may lose faith in baseball forever. Those two specific scenarios would wound me so deeply that it’d take years for me to fully recover.

The truth is I should have replaced “if” with “when” because I was having nightmare prophetic visions of Judge hoisting the World Series trophy back then.

The most obvious sign of this inevitable run was when the Yankees played a three game set against the Rays at Citi Field in September and that random Mets fan gave the thumbs down that went viral. The Yankees won that game, adopted that thumbs down as their rally symbol, and basically locked up the World Series all while cuckolding the Mets in Flushing.

I’ve survived the Yankees winning before, and I can do it again. Still, it would be nice if their World Series win happened in a new and exciting way. But we’ve all seen this movie before. I’ve seen the episode where the Yankees take a dump on the mediocre Twins in the first round (2003, 2004, 2009, 2010).

I’ve seen the episode where the Yankees upset the heavily favored Cleveland Indians (1996 ALDS) and go on to win it all. I was sitting around rolling my eyes a week ago as people questioned the decision to start Trevor Bauer in game 1 and Corey Kluber in game 2. They actually debated it like this choice mattered and these games weren’t already predetermined.

The 102 win, 22 game win streak, 2016 AL pennant winning Indians did not show up for this series and the Yankees took advantage. They rocked the future 2017 Cy Young award winner Corey Kluber in both of his ALDS starts. There’s not much else to say about it.


The highlight of the series for a loser Mets fan like me was when the Yankees blew game 2 in extra innings and Joe Girardi failed to challenge that stupid controversial foul tip/hit by pitch. I knew it was pointless for me to even get excited about the loss, but it was still entertaining to see Yankees fans lose their shit over one bad managerial decision and an umpire missing a call. They reacted like they had never experienced adversity and a devastating loss before. Uncharted territory for Yankees fans. Par for the course in Flushing.

If you want to know what to expect next here’s a hint. Everyone will pick the Astros to win because they are a better team. But they won’t win. Then it’ll probably be Yankees vs. Dodgers for the whole enchilada. Talk about a historical re-run.

What’s my gameplan now that the Yanks are in the ALCS? Watch the games, keep a precise tally of all the game altering breaks that go in the Yankees favor so I can complain about them to anyone that will listen, and continue to poke my Derek Jeter voodoo doll. Happy October Mets fans!

God Hates The Mets

“Kill the Mets. I hate them.” -God

Final Score: Nationals 3, Mets 1

On the same day that Matt Harvey announced he will get season ending surgery to address his thoracic outlet syndrome, Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes left the game due to injuries. God hates us. The Lord hath smited the Mets yet again. At least the Wilpons won’t have to pay for Thor’s and Yo’s airfare to the All-Star Game.

Thor Got Burnt: In the second inning, Clint Robinson hit a two run homer that made it 2-0 Nats. In the top of the third inning, Ben Revere led off by hitting a ball between Yoenis Cespedes and Asdrubal Cabrera. Yo made a sliding catch and nearly took out Asdrubal who was standing in his way. Then with one man on and one out, Daniel Murphy crushed an opposite field RBI double making it 3-0 Nats. On the play, Yoenis Cespedes ran a little awkwardly while pursuing the ball in the outfield.

Cespedes Dead Quad: In the top of the fourth inning, Cespedes was removed from the game with a strained quad. Murph killed him. Murph and God. Every time he steps to the plate against the Mets, Murph is slicing us open and watching us bleed out on the field. And now, his magic hits are injuring our stars. After the game, Cespedes said he dealt with a similar injury last year with Detroit. He said he missed 4-5 days, and then he was back. Then he said something like I hope I can avoid the 15-Day DL “God willing”. I wouldn’t look to the man upstairs for help Yo. He doesn’t like us very much.

Syndergaard Dead Arm: In the top of the 5th inning, Thor’s velocity all of a sudden dropped down to 91. Terry didn’t like what he was seeing and he pulled him from the game. He told Terry after the game he just lost it. He said his arm went dead. Harvey’s arm went dead. Thor’s arm went dead. That’s two thus far Shooter. Unbelievable. He says he’s fine. Hopefully it’s just temporary dead arm. But forget about the All-Star Game. We have no shot this season without him. He’s got Ridged Ruffle bone chips in his elbow. His arm is inexplicably shutting down like an old Super Nintendo with a shoddy motherboard. Please give him this week off to reset.

Uno Dinger: Asdrubal Cabrera hit a solo homer in the bottom of the fifth inning. At least he’s showing power lately.

Pen Pickup: The pen really picked up Noah. Seth Lugo, Jerry Blevins, and Erik Goeddel combined to toss 4.1 scoreless innings of relief.

Strasburgo: Stephen Strasburg is so good. He’s healthy, and he knows how to pitch now. That’s a dangerous combination. He went 7 innings, gave up 2 hits, 1 run and struck out 9. The Mets never had a shot against him.

The Only Chance: In the 8th inning against Shawn Kelley, Wilmer Flores hit a ground rule double and Jose Reyes singled. Then Oliver Perez came in and got Curtis Granderson to line out softly to the shortstop and Juan Lagares to hit into a double play. Juan was hitting in Cespedes’ spot in the lineup. So yeah Ollie danced on Yo’s grave. He rubbed salt in our wounds for sure. Choke artist Jonathan Papelbon closed the game out at 3-1.

Bartolo The Human Twinkie: Bartolo Colon was named to the All-Star Game. He’s such an enormous 43 year old dynamo. He could survive a Nuclear Holocaust. He’ll be heading to Petco Park where he cranked that dinger earlier this season. By the time this weekend is over he may be the only one representing the Mets. Pray for Familia.

Today: Logan Verrett vs. Max Scherzer. The odds are against us. And we already know God ain’t on our side. Please stop killing all of our players big man.