Weekly Roundup: Vegas Betches

Vegas Betches: Well the Mets officially departed Florida on Wednesday signaling the end of Grapefruit League action. Before the regular season starts on Sunday, the Mets made a quick stop off in Vegas for the final two exhibition games against the Cubs. Vegas!!! I’m sure David Wright and his brittle spine headed straight to the massage tables. It still blows my mind that our Triple-A team plays in freaking Vegas. Our top prospects and fringe major leaguers are really living the dream. I would give anything to be periodically demoted from my day job to get a little more corporate seasoning in Vegas. Just gambling up a storm all day.

The reason we have our minor league team in Vegas is really the best part. Every other team passed on the opportunity to have their minor league team in Vegas. Playing in Vegas is like playing in Colorado. Low air pressure and the balls fly out of the park. Nobody wants their top pitching prospects getting shelled and losing all their confidence. But the Wilpons didn’t care! Also, do you realize how ridiculous it is for an east coast team to have their top minor league team play out west? Sometimes teams need players from AAA at a moments notice. That didn’t matter to the Wilpons. As a result we’re flying guys out from the Pacific Coast League every other week. Oh and by the way, the park is also supposedly a dump. It was reported earlier this year that our Vegas venue Cashman Field, was flooding with feces this season. The Wilpons can really smell a winning real estate opportunity. At least the thin air helps bums like Eric Campbell and Johnny Monell dominate at the plate. Soup might hit .400 in Vegas this year if we can ever get him off the major league roster.

Game Notes:

On Monday, the Mets lost 3-1 to the Cardinals. Bartolo Colon had a nice regular season tune up. Antonio Bastardo continued to struggle out of the pen.

On Tuesday, the Mets lost 1-0 to the Marlins. Sean Gilmartin, Jim Henderson, Logan Verrett all looked strong in a showdown for the final pen spot.

On Wednesday, the Mets lost 12-1 to the Nationals. Matt Harvey and Noah Syndergaard had their final meaningless spring tune up. Jeurys Familia had a brutal appearance.

On Thursday in Vegas, the Mets lost 5-1 to the Cubs. The Mets pitched minor leaguers Paul Sewald and Chasen Bradford because they are both originally from Vegas. The Mets still couldn’t get anything going offensively.

On Friday in Vegas, the Mets finally won 8-1 over the Cubs. Steven Matz pitched great. All the key relievers including Familia had strong appearances. And Cespedes finally hit a spring home run. It was a great way to close out the spring schedule.

Relievers Have Dead Arm: Other than Familia, our key relievers have been awful this spring. In particular, newcomer Antonio Bastardo has been miserable. Dan Warthen has been working with him and tinkering with his mechanics to try and fix things. God I hope it’s rust and not his Biogenesis steroid pixie dust wearing off. But Terry says it’s nothing to be alarmed about because we are in the “dead arm” period of spring training. Of course Terry said this as he was applying aloe all over his Florida sun scorched skin. The last week of spring is his “dead skin” period. I know TC is going to miss the natural sun bathing. But Terry will just have to get his glow on in some NYC tanning beds.

Wilmer Is Learnding: Wilmer Flores played first base twice this week. He made all the plays and looked pretty good doing it. Pray for Lucas Duda. I honestly don’t care if Wilmer boots every ball that comes his way at first base. He’s our only backup option #NeverSoup.

Opening Week Rotation: The Mets announced a while back that Matt Harvey would start Opening Night. This week they confirmed Noah Syndergaard will start Game 2 in KC and Jacob deGrom will start the home opener on Friday against Philly. Jacob deGrom is starting later in the week because his wife is due to have their first child mid-week. I’ll have more details on the starters in my opening series preview post. But it’s hilarious that Harvey spent the entire week whining about pee pee and deGrom is the one about to have a newborn baby.

© ESPN The Magazine Body Issue 2016

Harvey Extremely Angry (Furious? I Can’t Think of Another Appropriate Word): So Matt Harvey has refused to speak with reporters to close out the spring because he’s still furious with the way the media joked about his urinary condition. I completely get why Harvey is angry, and I covered ad nauseum how ridiculous it is that the Mets aren’t getting the blame for mishandling this extremely sensitive personal news. But the media is going to do what they do. He’s not dying. He’s healthy now. And pee is funny. So they are going to make jokes. Honestly, I don’t really get the big fuss. So Harvey pissed a little blood. Bartolo Colon is a 300 pound 43 year old man. Based on his physique and diet, I’m guessing he probably wreaks absolute havoc in the bathroom, and there’s probably a little bit of blood in the mix. Yet we don’t hear a peep out of him.

Spring Mets Suck: Thank god spring training is over. The Mets couldn’t win at all. Outside of Peegate and Yoenis Cespedes riding a horse to camp, the biggest story this spring came out this week when the Mets announced the Momofuku chicken sandwich is coming to Citi Field.

Other League Notes: The Braves cut Nick Swisher. At first I wanted the Mets to pick him up to replace Soup, but then I remembered at this point in his career he’s just a fratty douche who’s lost all his skills outside of beer pong and flip cup. Ruben Tejada will start the season on the DL with St. Louis after hurting his hamstring in the final week of spring. Poor Ruben. He finally gets a big break with the Cardinals and now he’s back on crutches. I’m sure Utley had something to do with this. Speaking of former Mets, the Braves also cut Carlos Torres, and now the Brewers are supposedly going to pick him up. The Brewers already have former Met bums Kirk Nieuwenhuis and Eric Young Jr. in their organization. Their GM is treating former Mets like Pokemon. Gotta catch em all!

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