Final Score: D-Backs 5, Mets 3

After such an incredible run of success, the Mets had their one game winning streak snapped yesterday by their archrival the Arizona Diamondbacks. Obviously I use the term “archrival” loosely. In this case archrival just means another horrendous team that was supposedly worse than the Mets, but we will now learn is in fact better than this garbage Mets squad.

I can’t believe Don Mattingly is going to get a managerial lap dance at the end of the season for falling ass backwards into a freaking Wild Card spot. All the moron talking heads will say, “Ohh Donnie Baseball! He really inspired this Marlins club! He’s so great!” Then they’ll get crushed in the Wild Card playoff and the world will keep spinning. Stupid Yankee jerk.

I Wish We Had Big Innings: I was at this game. In the first inning, Neil Walker and Jay Bruce hit back to back one out singles. I remember thinking to myself, “I wish the Mets had big innings.” Then I sighed and went back to eating my sausage. I knew the Mets would at most get one run out of the situation. And that’s exactly what happened. James Loney hit a stupid RBI ground out to make it 1-0 Mets and that was that. No big hits for us. It’s amazing that Mets fans still talk about how this team hits a lot of home runs like it should be a source of pride for this ball club. Ummmm homers are at sky high levels across the sport people. MLB juiced the balls this year. It’s a meaningless accomplishment. We might as well be using corked bats like Sammy Sosa.

Destroy His Arm: Steven Matz and Zack Greinke actually both pitched well. Steven Matz went 6 innings, gave up 5 hits, 2 runs, and struck out 9. Matz wasn’t efficient early on, but settled in as the game progressed. The two runs were both on solo home runs. He gave up a jack to Brandon Drury in the second inning and to Paul Goldschmidt in the sixth inning. Those dingers made it 2-1 D-Backs. The problem I had was Terry Collins let Matz throw 120 pitches with his elbow bone spurs. Wilmer Flores certainly didn’t help matters by prolonging the sixth inning with a brutal throwing error. But 120 pitches?!? Let’s just kill him before the season is over folks! Terry won’t be around to see what happens anyway. And what was the reward for all those pitches and strikeouts? Did Matz get a win? No. Did the team get a win? No. I’ll tell you what the reward was. Matz and the bullpen combined for 10+ strikeouts. So everyone at Citi Field receives a 2 for 1 coupon good for any six inch sub at Subway. Hooray! I’d rather eat old Chinese food out of a trash can while watching a healthy Matz pitch in 2017 then have Terry blow his arm out and eat a free Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub while occasionally taking a break to dry my tears.

Walkyear Is Scorching: Neil Walker had three hits again. He’s so hot that it presents the rare opportunity for fans such as myself to call his hits like we’re fortune tellers. Right before he hit the home run, I said to my girlfriend at the game, “You gotta watch Neil here. He’s hot.” Boom. He hits a two-run shot to make it 3-2 in the bottom of the sixth and just like that I look like a genius. Thanks Neil.

Hansel Blowbles: Hansel Robles came in for the 7th and instead of pitching like his normal dependable self he completely blew the game. No other way to describe it. He gave up 3 hits, 2 walks, and 3 runs. Terry left him in too long. When your team is playing like dog crap your manager always “left him in too long”.

Ty Kelly: Honestly, the Mets went down in the 7th, 8th, and 9th without so much as a damn teaser rally. The most hilarious moment was when Terry pinch hit Ty Kelly for Travis d’Arnaud in the 9th inning. The fans were naturally baffled by the decision. We were all baffled because it made no sense. Ty Kelly gets a hit 1 out of every 10 times he steps to the plate and Travis gets a hit 2 out of every 10 times. When your hitting options are that awful, who the hell cares?

T.J. Rivera: The Mets demoted Brandon Nimmo and recalled T.J. Rivera. Rivera is a 27 year old minor league lifer. There’s been a big online movement among Mets fans pushing for the promotion of T.J. Rivera all season long. Part of the reason for that movement is Rivera’s .349/.391/.513 batting line in Vegas. Part of the reason is he’s from the Bronx and everyone loves a local guy. And part of the reason is because the alternatives are Ty Kelly and Eric Campbell. Well now we get to watch Triple-A dynamos Kelly and Rivera at the same time! Can’t wait.

Bill Simmons Must Read The Metssiah: My friend told me that on Bill Simmons’ new HBO show, he talked about how Bartolo Colon is a real crappy human being on account of his documented PED use and his refusal to pay child support to his second family etc. Yet he’s seemingly forgiven for his behavior and beloved by fans across the sport. Bill Simmons postulates that he’s beloved no matter what because he’s a big fat dynamo and people love fat guys. Ummm where have I heard that before? Oh right I talked about it in May. The Santa Claus Effect baby! Everyone loves a big jolly fat guy. Bill must read my blog.

Today: Speaking of Bartolo, he pitches tonight for the Mets. The quest for .500 continues.