Juan Lagares Tears His Completely Useless Opposable Thumb

Well as we all expected, the MRI results are in and Juan Lagares has a torn ligament in his thumb. But don’t worry folks. The Mets doctors say he can play through it without a problem. Opposable thumbs. Who the hell needs them? They’re just the primary characteristic that differentiates primates from all other animals. No big deal for Juan. Now he has a torn ligament in his thumb to match the already partially torn UCL in his elbow. If anything, a torn thumb is a benefit. It’ll help distract him from all the pain when he makes throws from the outfield. This is my fault by the way. I wrote about how Juan Lagares has excelled in his role as a reserve platoon outfielder. I just started to talk about it with friends too. And just like that boom. He’s out forever.

Also, the Mets doctors said that Juan has torn a ligament in his thumb, will try to play through it, but may need surgery. It’s just our medical staff doing their classic meteorologist impression. They look at the MRI, squint and say “Ehh that’s looking like a partial injury with a 20% chance of surgery”. Do yourself a favor Juan and run away. Run away and get secret surgery like Carlos Beltran. And when you’re running, make sure you don’t dive and tear your other freaking thumb. On one of the few leaping catch attempts he’s made all season, he instantly tears his thumb. Unreal. No more diving for this team. Diving is banned. We suck on defense anyway. Just let everything drop.

So now the Mets will do their favorite thing. The Mets are going to rest Juan for 2-3 days and then see if he can play with the injury. That’s the plan. So we will play short-handed all week. Then Juan Lagares will pinch hit at the end of the week, check his swing, wince in pain, his thumb will fall off, and he’ll go on the DL anyway. Good thing we have Alejandro De Aza man. See this is why you need a roster with 25 major league caliber players. And if you’re the Mets, you need 40 major league caliber players because half of them are in body bags before the 4th of July.

Pray for Yoenis Cespedes. The body count is rising non-stop. Valar Morghulis.